Monday, May 09, 2011

Feeling Like My Skin Is Too Tight

I have a day off today, and there are quite a few things that I want to do (and that need doing) around my home. 
It's now 12:30 pm, and I haven't done one single thing (except drink my coffee). 
Well, I did sleep in until 10:30 am today, and that's a miracle for me.  Most of the time my "internal clock" has me up by 9 am out of habit.  But that could also be attributed to my cats, who seem to believe that I should be awake and moving by that time every day.  They don't understand the concept of my not having to go to work equaling me sleeping in. 
So I'm sitting here writing, which I haven't done in a while.  And feeling "itchy", as if my skin is too tight.   It's the feeling of energy being restrained, when it wants to break free. 
For me, it's the conflict of the "Have To Do" and "Want To Do" Lists.   There are a whole lot of detailed things on the "Have to Do" List.  And a BIG Question Mark on the "Want To Do" List. 
A Question Mark, you ask?  Yep.  A Question Mark.   Actually a whole lot of them.  ???????????????
The reason for that is really simple.   It goes back to my last post, of what I've been dreaming of.   I KNOW that there's something I really want to, and should be doing.  I just can't put my finger on it yet.  The result of that is this feeling of my skin being too tight.   Feeling restricted, boxed in, confined, almost trapped.   Wired for sound, don't want to just sit, but don't want to waste time doing something that might turn out to be not what I should have been doing. 
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy.  Very happy in my life, as I'd said before.   All is well and good, except for this damned cold and bronchitis that I've got right now.  
Hmmmm.... Maybe I should take a little closer look at that... 
From the viewpoints of Reiki and the Chakra System, I currently have blockages or deficiencies affecting the Heart, Throat, and Third Eye Chakras.  And possibly the Crown Chakra.    I'm going to do some more research about all that, and see what I need to do to fix that. 
But back to what I'd been talking about... I am happy, it's just this feeling.   I think through the lists of things I need to do, and very quickly reach the overwhelmed stage, because a lot of it feels like it needs to be done NOW.  Which very quickly leads to my typical Aries reaction of "I don't want to", so I don't.   Which leads to an increase of that itchy feeling, of not wanting to just sit and do nothing.  So I think about doing something with the wide variety of crafts I like to do.  I don't do any of them very well, I'm sort of that "jack of all trades, master of none" when it comes to arts and crafts and creative talent areas.   Which leads back to nope, that's not the right thing, and an increase in my frustration.  And round and round it goes, until I just want to scream. 
I need to clean my house.  (messy, but not filthy... when did I become a neat freak?)
I need to clean, sort, and thrash out closets and cupboards and storage bins. (spring cleaning, there's so much crap in here, feeling closed in)
I need to work on RPPD stuff.  (way behind schedule)
I need/want to go visit my kids and heart family and spend time with them  (which I feel really bad about, which takes extra gas which I don't have extra money for, which takes time away from the other stuff I need to do, which makes me feel guilty and bad)
I want to.... I don't know exactly what it is that I want to do, but doing nothing makes me feel guilty and lazy. 
And as an Aries, I don't take well to HAVING to do things! 
And so it goes, around and around and around and around... 
So what am I going to do?   For right now, I'm going to go get myself another cup of coffee, and have a couple of cigarettes along with it and play a few games of Mahjong until the coffee is gone.  (Procrastinator!  LOL)
Then, I'm going to pick one thing that's on my "house" to-do-list, and do it.  
Maybe that will get the ball rolling....